To HeLLe in a Handbasket!

Michelle Has Moved

2004-12-20T13:23:00.000-05:00

Out with the old-
I am consolidating and have moved on over to MYSPACE.
Come visit me there.
http://profiles.myspace.com/users/6873263

I felt like I was cheating on my old blog.
It's been good to me, but it's time to move on...
See you all there.

truth

2004-12-12T18:23:00.000-05:00

"It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away, I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away. Puzzling." - Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Burnout

2004-12-08T23:11:00.000-05:00

Current mood: blank
Damn, my brain is full.I have this interesting ability to churn up and spit out vast amounts of information in a very short period of time- it's like a computer- my processing speed is ridiculous, but after a while, the machine gets tired.I need to sleep and allow things to digest. I have degenerated into a semi-incoherent babbling fool. This is not a bad thing. Enough is enough. I'm fine unless I try to fire too many neurons, and then things start to crash. Parallel processing carries the inherent hazard of causing meltdown or freezing when one runs too many programs simultaneously- still, it is incredibly useful most of the time.Cheerio.

One Surreal Weekend

2004-12-05T15:23:00.000-05:00

I've been working too hard, and feeling an intense craving for an adventure. I need that bit of balance in my life.
Well, I had one of those nights where you wake up and wonder if it really happened.
The really uncanny part was, it was a manifestation of things I had been imagining earlier in the week.
There's gotta be something to this mind over matter thing.
I had to laugh.
I'm very foggy, and I don't kiss and tell, at least not via my blog.
I misbehaved just enough.
I haven't lost my touch. I am relieved.

2004-12-02T11:34:00.000-05:00

"Where words fail, music speaks." Hans Christian Andersen

Loyalty

2004-11-24T17:21:00.000-05:00

"There is no friend as loyal as a book." Ernest Hemingway

"Or a dildo." -M

Half Empty or Half Full?

2004-11-22T13:53:00.000-05:00

My mother asked me over the weekend when I was having a PMS induced meltdown whether I saw life as half empty or half full.
I said "neither."

I came across this quote somewhere and thought this put it rather succinctly:
I come before you a certified expert on the subject: I'm a confirmed negaholic. I don't just see a glass that's half-full and call it half-empty; I see a glass that's completely full and worry that someone's going to tip it over. - M.C. Williams

I am not truly negative though, my moods change like the wind.
Today the world is full of adventure and possibility. Two days ago it was stale and lifeless. The contrast is what makes a day like today all the more satisfying.

Michelle on Insanity

2004-11-21T10:10:00.000-05:00

Good Monring.
So, I've got another stalker- what else is new. Certain people are like human parasites- they find someone with a lot of energy and just latch on, desperately trying to fill an empty hole because they have no substance of their own and will shrivel up or fade away if they don't. The sad part is, many of them don't even realize it. I'm sure you all know people like this. If you feel drained every time you interact with a certain person, you are probably dealing with one of these human tapeworms.
The problem with this one is that he's insane- completely off his rocker.
It's very unsettling that someone can just go over the edge like that, and be so trapped in a delusion that no matter what evidence points to, they can't see out of their self-imposed perceptual cage. Sure, we all filter the mass amounts of data that arrage us on a daily basis, and sure, we all form beliefs and then warp information to fit into these schemas. Sometimes this mechanism goes wrong- and someone's construct truly begins to deviate from the world at large. the frightening part is, where do we draw the line? How do we know we're not ALL insane?
We really don't. However, this I do know.
Sometimes people become convinced that you'll fall in love with them and no matter how firm you are with them, they disregard what you say because they choose to drown in their own reality instead of respecting yours. Then they say crazy things like insisting that they want to live in your basement and eat dog food, and getyour name tattooed around their neck. When you tell them 'no,' they become spiteful. It's like the old Aesop's fable about the fox and the sour grapes. I've seen this pattern more times than I would like to count; it makes me sad. I don't take it personally anymore. It's not my fault that people don't listen. It's not my fault that people don't take what I say for what it is and instead read into it. I'm very direct. I don't have the patience for games. In my mind, there is no way to confuse "I am not interested in you and never will be" with "keep harrassing me and eventually I'll give in and fall in love with you even though you are, number one, married, number two, ugle and number three, old."
I'm being a little harsh here, yes, but my diplomacy has gone out the window since I got an e mail stating that this pining individual took it upon himself to enter my house when I was not here, take all his clothes off, climb into my bed, and do god knows what with my underwear.

There is nothing that makes me so dangerous as having my privacy violated. I am not frightened. All I feel is a very smooth, calm coldness that I recognize too well. I have taken legal steps because I do not want to compromise my life for this bastard- however, be assured that if he sets foot in my house again, Mr. Mossberg and I have a few things to say to him.
Peace, out.

(Disclaimer: The thought crossed my mind that I might get in trouble for writing about that, if something were to happen, so for legal purposes let me reassert that I am referring to pure self-preservation- protection, as they case may be. I will not shoot someone unless I feel my life is in danger. However, if he comes in here and does not threaten my life I still will beat the living hell out of him before he decides that I have secretly wanted to have sex with him all this time too. He made some comments about tying me up and performing oral sex on me. Nice guy.)

Peace, out.

AOHELL and rock and roll thoughts

2004-11-14T23:58:00.000-05:00

AOL dicked me over this week, so I will be changing my e mail address shortly.
MY new e-mail, for anyone who cares, will be hellehathnofury@earthlink.net.
MY new AIM is hellehathnofury2.
It's a long story but basically, someone hacked my account and was using it to download movie files or something. AOL shut my account down with no warning, no grace period, and no mercy. I flipped out-I thought I lost everything. I've been working hard lately.......
Anyway, they admitted the next day that they had made a mistake and restored it, but after being treated like a complete bag of shit (after being a customer for 9 years, mind you) and spending a wasted day in their voicemail hell or being lied to by underpaid phone flunkies, I have had it.
So, I am cleaning out my AOL accounts and moving on.
The whole thing threw me for a loop though. I was a mess for s few days. I do not handle transitions well.
On another note:
I am so happy to be back in the music scene. I feel like I'm home.
I hit 3 shows this week, now that I think of it. I feel appreciated lately.

I'm still having some angst over time passing so quickly but I won't rehash that right now.

I'll post an extended rant later when it's not after midnight.

Cheers.

All Hail The Fecalord

2004-11-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to post a quick tribute to the Fecalord, because he is one of the best and coolest people I know in this crappy little armpit we call "Slightly Upstate NY."
I was feeling really melancholy on Saturday, and he brightened up my day in the following ways:
1) He came over to hang out without expecting me to be entertaining or effectively communicative.
2) He didn't try and tell me to snap out of it, or give me empty encouragement, but it is immensely comforting to realize that SOMEONE understands.
3)He's good luck. He talked me into going for a walk to Stewarts and I won 15 bucks from a scratch-off.
4)He think's it as funny as I do to dive headfirst into some guy's leaf pile.
5)Can you say- canned ham bazooka?
6)Going into hysterics over www.assmatrix.com and "Plushie Forest."

It's funny how intelligence seems inversely proportional to the level of one's sense of humor.

I hope this makes him blush, because I'm feeling slightly mascochistic.

But: A big virtual hug to the best drum roadie and mad scientist in Dutchess County.

Peace, out........

Random FLuff

2004-11-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

Really, really close up bugs.........

More Squid News

2004-11-03T22:14:00.000-05:00

Giant squid 'taking over world'By Simon Benson
GIANT squid are taking over the world, well at least the oceans, and they are getting bigger. According to scientists, squid have overtaken humans in terms of total bio-mass.
That means they take up more space on the planet than us.
The reason has been put down to overfishing of other species and climate change.
A report in the Australian science journal, Australasian Science, said marine researchers are now in universal agreement that cephalopods have been given an advantage not available to any other sea creature.
And as a result they have been allowed to flourish.
Their growth rates also seem to be increasing as is their body size.
The findings may offer an answer to the mysterious appearance of a giant squid on the coast of Tasmania last week and hundreds of squid washed ashore on the coast of California this week, although El Nino is also being partly blamed.
Squid are now regarded as the "major player'' in the world oceans by sheer volume alone.
Overfishing of some fish species has taken away competition for the squid in finding food resources.
The warming of waters due to climate change have also allowed squid to expand their populations.
Dr George Jackson from the Institute of Antarctic and Southern Ocean studies in Tasmania said squid thrived during environmental disasters such as global warming.
The animal ate anything in that came their way, bred whenever possible and kept growing.
"This trend has been suggested to be due both to the removal of cephalopod predators such as toothed whales and tuna and an increase of cephalopods due to removal of finfish competitors,'' said Dr Jackson.
"The fascinating thing about squid is that they're short-lived.
"I haven't found any tropical squid in Australia older than
200 days.
"Many of the species have exponential growth, particularly during the juvenile stage so if you increase the water temperature by even a degree it has a tremendous snowballing effect of rapidly increasing their growth rate and their ultimate body size.
"They get much bigger and they can mature earlier and it just accelerates everything.''
The Food and Agricultural Organisation of the UN supports the theory claiming squid landings have been increasing over the past 25 years at greater rates than fish.

2004-11-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

What a life I lead..........

2004-10-23T09:58:00.000-04:00

Genius is a nuisance, and it is the duty of schools andcolleges to abate it by setting genius-traps in its way.-- Samuel Butler

Attack of the Octopods

2004-10-20T09:14:00.000-04:00

A freezer full of giant squid
Washington bait salesman makes best of bad situation
Tuesday, October 19, 2004

LONG BEACH, Washington (AP) -- When hundreds of giant squid washed up dead on the Long Beach Peninsula last weekend, Dean Marsh knew exactly what to do: He stocked his freezer.
"No sense letting them go to waste," said the 57-year-old bait salesman, who planned to cut them up and sell them to fishermen.
An estimated 1,000 to 1,500 Humboldt jumbo flying squid -- typically found off the coast of Mexico -- have washed up on southwest Washington beaches in the past few days, said Greg Bargmann, a marine fish manager with the state Fish and Wildlife Department.
What's killing them isn't clear.
"They're like salmon: They spawn and then they die," Bargmann said. "I don't know if this is post-spawning, or if the waters got so cold they couldn't take it anymore."
Tuna fishermen first reported seeing the squid about 30 miles off the southwest Washington coast in August. At the time, the ocean water was significantly warmer than usual -- 67 degrees, instead of 50 to 55 degrees.
Ever since, the squid have surprised anglers as far north as Sitka, Alaska. One salmon fisherman in British Columbia hauled in a 6 1/2-foot, 44-pound squid this month -- a specimen that's now in a formaldehyde tank at the Royal British Columbia Museum.
Some people have called Bargmann to ask if they can eat the dead squid they find on the beach.
"I sure wouldn't eat them. It would be like eating a deer on the side of the road," Bargmann said. "But if you catch them live they'd be good."

2004-10-12T22:03:00.000-04:00

Police aid Elvis, chase 'Blues Brothers' look-a-like
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CRYSTAL, Minnesota (AP) -- Police responding to a call of a convulsing Elvis Presley impersonator soon found themselves in a high-speed chase of another faux celebrity -- a man dressed as one of the Blues Brothers.

Crystal Police Capt. Dave Oyaas said the bizarre string of events began when officers were called to a veterans hall Monday morning to find a man dressed as Elvis Presley apparently in convulsions.

When the officers approached, Oyaas said the man suddenly jumped up and yelled, "Viva Las Vegas!" before singing show tunes.

At about the same time, two women said another man at the veterans hall dressed as John Belushi's character in "The Blues Brothers" had stolen their car and driven to a nearby airport.

The man led police on a high-speed chase around the airport before officers forced him to stop and arrested him.

"It's one of those things that you stop and scratch your head, and you think that 'Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"' Oyaas said.

Oyaas said charges pending against the men could include disorderly conduct, fleeing police and drunken driving.

The men had been drinking together at the VFW before police arrived. Blood tests will show how much, but Oyaas said, "I would venture to say quite a bit."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Copyright 2004 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

.....and to all those who predicted my seld-destruction (quite erroneously, I might add, if that has not become obvious)

2004-10-08T13:07:00.001-04:00

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant:if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperitywould not be so welcome. -- Anne Bradstreet

.....and to all those who predicted my imminent demise (erroneously, I might add, if that has not become obvious)

2004-10-08T13:07:00.000-04:00

For the Fecalord and Evil T, and all my favorite mad scientists....

2004-10-07T09:25:00.000-04:00

It is not that I haven't a brain. The problem is I have too many brains and they are all crammed inside my head and the lobes rub up against each other and short circuit." Nils Parr 1968

Pictures from the show....

2004-10-01T10:41:00.000-04:00

....for your viewing pleasure.

Michelle Basks in Post-Rock Star Glow

2004-10-01T10:01:00.000-04:00

We opened for Kittie and Otep last night.
The gig was amazing. We had fifteen year old girls swooning over us all night, sold out of CDs, signed autographs-
It's an interesting study in human behavior, how being up on that stage makes people want to be near you, to touch you, to take home a piece of whatever it is that you have up there........
I had a blast.
My new drums SANG for me. They are incredible. I get all tingly when I think about them, and playing them, oh my goodness. It's like a sonic orgasm.
I only wish I could do it again....... maybe not tonight, but Saturday would suffice. :)
We don't have anything else booked at the moment. I wish we did. I wish I had something to tell all our new fans.
Well, soon enough, I am sure.
Back to my day job as a mild mannered graduate student- a difficult transition after running around in leather pants and basking in adoration all night.
I will post pictures soon.

2004-09-27T10:55:00.000-04:00

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.- Harold J. Smith

Good Morning. Sunday Quotations.

2004-09-26T10:11:00.000-04:00

"Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans: it’s lovely to be silly at the right moment."
-- Horace

"If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear ... as it is, infinite."
-- William Blake
I loathe the expression "What makes him tick." It is theAmerican mind, looking for simple and singular solution,that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks,he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks andhas to be put together again, and sometimes stops like anelectric clock in a thunderstorm. -- James Thurber

and boy have I been busy!

2004-09-23T13:29:00.000-04:00

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it." Henry David Thoreau

Strange Things Are Afoot

2004-09-21T14:58:00.000-04:00

Fall is in the air. I feel good. Things are moving. Life is weird and wonderful. I feel useful and well appreciated. I am happy. I am silly.
I am completely in love with my new drums, they're gorgeous and elegant. If it was legal, I would marry them.
Friday we played the Woodstock Tattoo fest, at 2 am. It was quite rambunctious there, with Bill-Clinton style shenanagins occuring in public view, to name a few..........
This weekend is the Garlic Fest, next week I play rock star at the Chance.
That's the cliff notes version. You figure it out.
Cheers. :D

2004-09-19T14:00:00.000-04:00

Big Cheesy Grin!

Michelle and Meg Sell Out

2004-09-17T10:01:00.000-04:00

....by concocting another brilliant money making scheme.
Place your bids, people.

Yo!

2004-09-16T16:50:00.000-04:00

::Michelle pops her head in and waves::

I'm still here!

Back to work.......

Exploding Hams and Labor Day Weekend Fun

2004-09-06T09:38:00.000-04:00

I had a great weekend, really. How do exploding hams factor into this, you ask?
Be patient, I'm getting there.
I stayed in Saturday to get some work done around the house and bake a loaf of bread.
I got quite a bit done, including the one closet in my office that was my goal. I find that breaking things up into smaller tasks helps a lot, but I usually forget to do it and end up getting overwhelmed.
Since I did not go to R.I. to see other Marc's play (sorry! One of these days, I swear!) I decided that the money I saved on gas could be invested in a few DVDs (3 for 25 at blockbuster this week) to fuel my anticipated cleaning spree. This worked, both as a short term reward and also as a supply of some background stimulation to keep me moving.
I baked a bread, sort of, in my breadmaker, which I have used exactly twice now.
The first one I made turned out to be similar to a block of cement. I realized later that the directions say to add the liquids first. Oops. I haver always had problems following directions, and instruction manuals seem to degenrate into gobbeldy gook after about 2 sentences.
Anyway, I learn best through trial and error.
This time, half the bread came out delicious, with the taste and consistency of angel's food cake (this was a gluten free bread mix, which I converted to cinnamon raisin bread with whey protein for an extra nutritional kick) while the other half was, well, just powder.
I'm getting closer. I think I need to add more liquid next time. The angel food cake half was amazing- I wish I knew how I managed that so I could reproduce it, but things like that only happen by accident, it seems.

This is all occurring in between school work and organizational spurts, mind you.

So Sunday was my day to reconvene with that illustrious mad doctor, the Fecalord himself.
The highlight of the day was, yes, an exploding ham. I trust he will be posting video footage of this incredible event as soon as I upload it and send it to him.
I'll let him explain that one-but suffice to say, it was very stinky and delightfully, explosively messy. The ham was my idea, which I am very proud of.
I noted during this experience that the more fun something is, the messier it is to clean up. That's the trouble with entropy.
Anyway, after that we went to the flea market and I secured some very cheap socks. This made me very happy, because there is nothing like a brand new pair of socks, even if they are technically 'slightly irregular.'
There's nothing wrong with being slightly irregular, I must remind you.
Anyway, 50 cents for three pairs erases all irregularity in my mind.
Also, ShopRite had my chocolate syrup. That rocked.

Later on we met Meg and went to flier down in front of Crannel Street, which was actually a lot more fun than I anticipated.
I remembered why I play rock star.
Raising Hell and making Meg laugh are some of the best things in the world.
I feel like I"m 15 again sometimes, except that I can drive and I don't have a curfew.
It's also nice to be appreciated.
It's nice to be appreciated in such different settings- from braniac to crazy rock and roll chick. What a life.
And life, right now, is good.
Let's see how long it lasts, this time.

News and Updates

2004-09-03T13:26:00.000-04:00

1) We have been moved from the 9/29 Monster Magnet show to the 9/30 show with Kittie, Otep and Crisis-at the Chance- www.thechancetheater.com.
We have discount tickets for sale, so e -mail me if you'd like to go- or if you just want to buyone to be nice and support your local musicians- that would be nice too.

2) Tutoring is going very well. I got a message from the little girl's mother afterI left, saying that the girl couldn't stop talking about me and couldn't wait until next week. That made me feel great. Also, I had a blast working with her. She's so bright, and it was so much fun for me to make up little stories to help her learn.

3) Assistantship- a HUGE weight lifted- met with one of the professors I will be working for, and I will be doing things I am familiar with (he is writing a textbook- I will be checking references, etc, as well as helping correct and sort things for an undergrad class he teaches.)
Because I have a great reputation there because of my past work as an assistant, I am being set loose to work independently and track my own hours. This is GREAT because it means I can work at night and on weekends, when I have time in between other stuff. What a relief.

SO, I am feeling much better.

More updates to follow.

And buy a ticket. Come on. Make me happy.

a bit of nonsense

2004-09-03T11:03:00.000-04:00

"A little nosense now and then is relished by the wisest men"
WillyWonka

Michelle Goes To Greenpoint and Revisits Her Roots.

2004-08-28T22:19:00.000-04:00

I went to visit my Aunt in Greenpoint, Brooklyn this weekend.
I had a great time. I dream about the old apartment building all the time, and when I was there, I slept deeply and dreamed of other places, as if there was a hole that had been filled in and let other images float around my sleeping mind, reminding me of the way a neurotransmitter fits neatly into a receptor.
My nerves have been GREAT. They've been good to the point where I have been taking things for granted-riding passenger in my Aunt's car, eating in a restaurant, riding on a bus-this is excellent.
When you forget to even worry about being nervous, you know you've made a lot of progress. I have an odd sense of inner peace and happiness today. I almost feel as if I was touched by my dead grandmother somehow. Maybe my father too. It was their house, and full of memories and childhood comforts.
We walked down the avenue today and visited all the cheap-o stores.
A lot of the places are the same as when I was small. I remembered walking to Busy Bee with my grandmother, I remembered Cheap Charlie's, and I remembered the Triple Decker and Dee Dee's. I remember going to Key Food as a kid and being traumatized by the chicken feet. I drooled over a monstrous black and white cookie in the wondow of a polish bakery. We ate lunch at a Polish restaurant and I actually found something on the menu, a lovely salad and a side of real Polish sauerkraut.
I've decided to go down to Brooklyn for Thanksgiving. I miss that.
Karen is going to make me salmon, and I will be able to have the sweet potatoes, kapusti (sp? sauerkraut with ketchup-I requested the low carb kind I discovered recently. I made a salmon burger at home the other week, topped it with sauerkraut and ketchup, and it triggered something-my mother reminded me later that it was something my grandmother used to make, so I've had a yen for it ever since) and turnips.
I will bring one of my special holiday salads and mom promised to make me a low carb cheesecake with my special gluten free cookies for a crust.
Anyway, I really did have a great day. I came back and Karen came upstate a little later because she will be looking at a condo in Connecticut tomorrow morning with my mother, before we take Mom to the fair.
I enjoyed my last weekend of summer vacation, and I feel more peaceful than I have in a long time. I am truly happy. It's nice.
My life is really starting to feel pretty good. It's about time. I have a feeling it's just going to keep getting better, too.
This was the Reader's Digest Version of my weekend, necessitated because my ass is falling asleep. I'm going to go make a cup of the famous "magic Polish tea" that I buy whenever I go to Greenpoint because it't the best, and lay on the couch until I fall asleep.
Toodles.

Michelle indulges in touchy feely childhood literature favorites

2004-08-26T14:03:00.000-04:00

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.- Margery Williams, "The Velveteen Rabbit"

addendum to the madness

2004-08-25T23:14:00.000-04:00

Oh yes, on top of those jobs, I also was awarded an assistantship.

Wish me luck.

When it rains, it pours.........

2004-08-25T22:48:00.000-04:00

Such is my life: zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds.......
or to be more accurate and dispel the metaphors for a minute, from unemployed and climbing the walls to having four different jobs and new classes starting Monday, two shows coming up, and planty to do on the weekends.
I will give you the brief rundown via one of my compulsive lists:
employment:
I secured a few turoring gigs. This is great because not only do they pay over three times what I would make somewhere else, but I can work for myself, work efficiently since the pay to hour ratio is much better, and actually do something rewarding at the same time.
These kids are the smart ones that fall through the cracks because they are 'different.' These are the kind of kids that I want to help. These are the kids who are the REAL future: the weird kids who think outside the box and get tormented and misunderstood for it.
These are the kids who are worth it.

I secured a temporary phone research gig that I can do on my own time, and that is interesting and also pays pretty well.

I am ecstatic that I am finally being truly appreciated and rewarded for my brain. That and my eclectic resume are finally paying off. It's about time.
It's nice to be appreciated in all my glorious eccentricity.

We have two gig in September so far, and a new CD that I am designing the artwork for as we speak.
The first gig is at the Woodstock Tattoo Convention, and we play at 2 am on Friday, Sweptember 17th....or wait, technically, that's the 18th. Yikes.
The second is at The Chance on September 29th with Monster Magnet and Bongzilla.
Buy a ticket. Please. I don't have time to go out and beg.

Classes start Monday. I thought I had another week. Oh well.
I am on a 4 day a week night class schedule, so at least I can sleep in and go back to my natural night owl schedule.
Tutoring is all afterschool, so that works out well too.

This weekend I will go to Greenpoint, Brooklyn to visit my favorite aunt and take a stroll down the avenue and buy some school clothes.
I will also buy magic Polish strawberry tea and whatever else strikes my fancy.

Sunday I will take my mother to the Dutchess County fair for a traditional 4-H milkshake, in honor of my father.
I will have a crappy sugar free snow cone and my tongue will be blue.
I will stay at Mom's Sunday night, get up and do some of the phone work, then go to Woodstock and pick up promo material for the show.
Then I will go back in to bondage, or in other words, graduate school.

Funny thing is, I am actually happy about all this.
Well, with the possible exception of the blue tongue.
That part just tickles me pink.
Cheerio.
Check the travel blog.........

Random Stuff

2004-08-24T11:07:00.000-04:00

"Life is a series of habits occasionally interrupted by a few thoughts."

Yes, I am up to no good.
Don't you worry about it. :)

Keep reading my travel adventures for now.

I'll have more to say soon enough.

Ain't that the truth.

2004-08-22T10:01:00.000-04:00

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
--Bertrand Russell

2004-08-19T13:37:00.000-04:00

"Music is the art of thinking with sounds." Jules Combarieu

The Long Awaited Travel Blog!

2004-08-18T10:37:00.000-04:00

It's finally being posted.
See the link to your right.
I'll be posting a bit at a time so follow along as I recap my extended "what I did on my summer vacation" narrative.
Cheers.

2004-08-18T10:36:00.000-04:00

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth isfinished. If you're alive, it isn't.-- Richard Bach

2004-08-17T12:00:00.000-04:00

You can use this as a gauge to determine how cranky I will be on a particular day, and if you should attempt to speak to me or not.
Note: today, all levels are well past mildly irritated into cantankerous.

2004-08-12T18:07:00.000-04:00

BOSTON, Massachusetts (Reuters) -- In this story, it was the drunk driver who pulled over the police officer.
"He pulled up behind me, rolled down the passenger side window and said he was looking for a police officer to arrest him," Ian McCollin, chief of police in Vernon, Vermont, said in an interview on Wednesday. "When I asked him why, he replied 'I'm drunk."'
To make matters worse, the drunk driver was operating on a suspended license, which was taken away after a previous drunk driving charge, McCollin said.
Bryan Condo, 28, was driving on a quiet Vermont road at night when he asked McCollin to take him in. Since drivers rarely pull over police cruisers, a cautious McCollin called a colleague for backup with an amused "You won't believe this one."
"I was a little concerned but I also wanted him to hear the story too," he said. "I was afraid they'd think I was senile or losing my mind."
Police discovered Condo, a resident of North Pownal in Western Vermont, was four times over the legal limit and charged him with driving under the influence as well as driving without a license.
Condo was released hours after his arrest and will be arraigned on August 17. He could not be reached for comment.
"This guy was hilarious," McCollin said. "And he was very cooperative and polite, unlike your average drunk driver."

2004-08-10T09:22:00.000-04:00

Maggots, for fun and profit.

2004-08-09T20:37:00.000-04:00

::drool drool::

Brief Update

2004-08-09T20:28:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am still here.
I am waiting for my mother to finish her part of the travel blog so I can post it.
I am waiting for school to start.
I am waiting for a lot of things and it drives me batty.
I need chocolate, I need a job, I need a footrub........
I am having many interesting theories come to me and I am writing them down.
I am frustrated.
I am having strange apocalyptic dreams.
I visited "other Marc" last week and picked up my new true love, my Tama rare bubinga wood Exotix Starclassics, courtesy of my ever lotal slaveboy who wants his Goddess to have whatever her little heart desires.
I have been lusting after these things for months, as you all know if you keep up with my blog.
They're gorgeous.
Unfortunately, I can not play them yet because FEDEX lost the box with the tom mounts in them.
Ah, the ache of unrequited lust. What a tease.
My babies are number 16 of 150 worldwide.
I have terrible PMS and allergies.
I am going to go downstairs and sit on the couch like a bloated sea mammal and contemplate the meaning of life, or something like that.
I may just end up watching crappy TV shows instead.
Oh well. Even Goddesses are allowed to have "off" days.

2004-08-04T20:32:00.000-04:00

"Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over." F. Scott Fitzgerald

2004-08-03T09:15:00.000-04:00

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relaxand get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein

Did you ever have one of those days when.....

2004-08-02T23:55:00.000-04:00

..your mojo is off and all your gears are misaligned, and you suffer from foot in mouth disease, bad timing and a severe case of inaccurate small motor skills?
Yeah........
See you tomorrow, I give up.

Updates, in compulsive list form

2004-07-31T09:35:00.000-04:00

1)Travel blog is in process and will be posted soon, as soon as mom finishes her half (slacker!)
2) New abominatrix MP3s and message board, see website for details.
3) I made my own yahoo group, as an exercise in narcissism. Everyone should have one as a tribute to their own masturbatory mental processes.
Here it is: To Helle In A Handbasket- The Group
Sounds like a bad musical.
Speaking of:
4) They made a Toxic Avenger musical. I wanted to see this, but it figures the ONLY Saturday they weren't doing it was the one I happened to be in Lincoln, Nebraska. It must be some weird Murphy's by-law. Just my luck.
5) I have adopted two new cat-brothers and named them Einstein and Schrodinger Cat.
Schrodinger Cat lives up to his name because I never know exactly where he is.

That's it for now. Send me love. I'm in a post-vacation slump.

4) I need a damn job. Send me ideas too.

Hi Honey, I'm home

2004-07-24T09:51:00.000-04:00

..........and I have to much to tell. It was amazing.
I am glad to be home though.
I will be making an entire separate blog for my travel stories and will include a link as soon as it's done so you can all read about my adventures.
For now, boy do I have a lot of crap to sort through.
TTFN

Update from Reno, Nevada

2004-07-10T02:03:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am still alive.
I am having a blast.
I have not had internet access until now, and will not have any again until I get home around the 25th.
I have seen some amazing things.
I will post a full travel blog when I arrive home. I am keeping a record on a laptop as we go, butthat computer isn't internet accessable so I will transfer it to disc then to here when I get back.
This is some adventure so far. I am loving it.
Brief recap:
Vegas(Mensa AG)
Mojave Desert
California
Insane Mountains
Lake Tahoe
Carson City
Reno
Virginia City (today)

This part of the country is incredible.
I feel like I'm on a different planet. Breathtaking.

There's too much to type tonight.

When I get back you can read the entire adventure in one volume.

My mother is writing parts of the travel-log as well so you can get a different view of the trip through her eyes.

I'm staying with my Uncle and his wife and my Grandmother right now, and a lot of animals. I like it here.

Tomorrow we head out again towards San Francisco, and then back east.
We should be hitting Utah, Colorado, Chicago and a bunch of other cool stuff on the way home.

No offense to you guys, but I am not homesick in the least. Not yet anyway. There's too much to see.

I want to do this every summer.

-MicHeLLe

Michelle Goes To Sin City

2004-06-28T19:13:00.000-04:00

Sounds like a bad porno title.

Catch you all on the other side.

TTFN

2004-06-28T16:58:00.000-04:00

"Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you."
Oscar Wilde

Someone killed my cat.

2004-06-28T10:25:00.000-04:00

I hate people.

Whoever did it didn't even have the balls to come tell me.

The neighbor girl across the street knocked on my door this morning and told me.

They put him on the edge of my lawn in a towel.

I don't think he suffered. He just looked like he was sleeping, with a little blood by his head.

I feel terrible.

I didn't particularly want him to go outside, but I put a flea collar and tag on him last week because I knew eventually he would probably sneak out when the band guys were coming in and out with equipment or something.
There was this other cat that was hanging out on the porch and he was always jealous.

Now on top of feeling terrible, I'll probably have to listen to people rake me over the coals for letting him outside.

As if I don't feel like enough of a fuck up.

I just wanted him to be happy. The idea of never being able to go outside seemed cruel to me somehow. I guess I weas projecting my own shit onto the cat.

So yeah, Michelle fucks up again.

Things don't just go away though, right?
They just change forms.

He was a really neat cat. My sister said he'll probably still be hanging around the house and chasing away the boogeymen.

Damn. Someone shoot me.

And here I am leaving for Vegas tomorrow.
I was happy.
I don't want to let this ruin my trip, but I feel like if I try to forget about it for now that I'm an asshole somehow.

I don't know. I feel horrible. I always seem to fuck up somehow.

I hope he knows I didn't do it on purpose. I loved my cat. He was really neat. He was one of a kind. I even taught him to sit.

I want to fucking throttle whatever little testosterone intoxicated shit decided he had to be a badass and speed down my road. It's not as if this is a main road. There's a park right in back.

People suck.
I know that things happen, but at least have the balls to stop and take responsibility.

I don't have anything else to say right now.

2004-06-28T08:36:00.000-04:00

“Why not concentrate on the now instead of hoping for better times in the future? Why not understand the now instead of forgetting it and hoping for the future? Isn’t the future just another trap?”

-- Anthony de Mello

2004-06-28T08:34:00.000-04:00

"The only person who cannot be helped is that person who
blames others."

-- Carl Rogers, psychologist and author

I'm feeling better.

2004-06-27T22:20:00.000-04:00

I just don't like rules. I never did.

I'm definitely ready to go, though. I'm ready to go break all the rules in sin city.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Generalized Angst, revisited.

2004-06-26T10:57:00.000-04:00

I feel like i'm not interacting with people effectively lately and this is a great source of frustration to me.
I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I feel like an alien. I just don't get it.
It seems so easy for most people...........yet when I'm just "myself," it seems intolerable to most people.
There's only a very few people who aren't getting on my nerves lately. You know who you are. In fact, all of you read my blog so you actually will know who you are.

I don't know if it's me, or just people in general. I don't know that it really matters.
I do seem to be hyper sensitive lately, and I definitely feel I need some time away.
I'm getting paranoid.

Three days in this shit pit we call Poughkeepsie.

Hopefully when I come back I'll have had my re-set button pressed and will appreciate it again.

2004-06-26T09:04:00.000-04:00

“No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”

-- Source Unknown

2004-06-25T10:07:00.000-04:00

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

- Yogi Berra

Good Morning

2004-06-25T09:11:00.000-04:00

I just ate a neon green Columbo Key Lime Yogurt.
I am always suspicious of foods that come in colors that make your eyes hurt.

Anyway, I'm still counting down.
This is my last Friday here for a while.
I'm ready to go. I'm definitely ready to go.

I have to record tonight, but that's fine.

I'm just waiting............waiting.........
and damn, I hate that. Impatience is usually my downfall......but that doesn't mean I don't indulge in it from time to time.

Well, more than time to time.

Whatever.

Now I'm even tired of talking to you.

Don't take it personally.

I'm going to go find something new to obsess about today.

::gears turning::

2004-06-24T20:16:00.000-04:00

Ok guys, I have to come up with a grand money making scheme. Help me out here.

(I'm going to keep pining away until I get these. I am oficcially obsessed.)

Michelle endures the agony of unrequited love

2004-06-24T15:50:00.000-04:00

I can't do it man. I can't buy these on my college student budget.
I'm so depressed.
I'm sick of being broke.
All my fucking blue collar friends have awesome equipment.
Sure, I could take out a loan but common sense prevails.
I don't want to starve.
Damn my survival instincts.

Maybe I'll hit it big on the Elvis slots in Vegas.
Yeah. Right.

::sigh::

I'm going to go mope around the house now.

Michelle Falls Head Over Heels

2004-06-24T10:34:00.001-04:00

Oh, goodness, I am in love.......I must have these........

Tama Starclassic Exotix Limited Edition 7 Piece Drum Set

Exquisite look and sound for the discriminating drummer!

The 100% bubinga 9-ply shells have a jaw-droppingly gorgeous quilted bubinga burst outer ply and a genuine abalone inlay strip around the center of each drum. Brushed nickel-plated hardware and high-end components are the perfect complimentary equipment for a set of this stature. Just 150 Exotix sets will be made ensuring their status as a classic and as a future collector's item. A certificate of authenticity will accompany each. Do not delay; our allotment of Exotix sets will not last long. Cymbals not included.

Features:

100% bubings 9-ply shells
Quilted bubinga burst outer plies
Genuine abalone inlay strips around the center of each drum
Brushed nickel-plated hardware
22" x 18" bass
10" x 8", 12" x 9", 11" x 14", and 16" x 13" toms
6" x 14" snare
2 Roadpro Double Tom stands
Iron Cobra Power Glide bass drum pedal
Roadpro Omniball snare stand
Iron Cobra Lever Glide hi-hat stand
All Road Pro cymbal stands: boom, straight, and combination
Evans Genera 2 clear batter tom heads
Evans Genera G1 clear bottom tom heads
Goatskin Earth Tone bass drum front head with Special Star Logo
Evans G1 coated batter/Resonant 300 snare side snare heads
Certificate of authenticity
150-set limited edition

Six Days and Coutning Down

2004-06-23T15:08:00.000-04:00

A week from right now I will be in Las Vegas.

I had acupuncture today and it felt really good. I was relaxed and I feel refreshed. I also slept like a rock and dreamt of old flings.....I was actually relieved to find I still have it in me.

Dear michelle,
Here is your horoscope
for Wednesday, June 23:

You master the complicated mix of expression and technique. Your life is like a classic ballet but with a much broader wardrobe choice. Don't let anyone pin you down unless they're really interesting. >>

I think that's what the wise Fecalord told me yesterday, in so many words.
Synchronicity is a funny thing.
I was asked why a scientific type like myself posts horoscopes.
Well, part of it is because I have a sense of humor, contrary to popular belief, and the other part os because reality is too strange to discount anything.
Sometimes they're applicable. So what?
It is human nature to look for patterns, and I'm not above this.
I'm only part-alien after all.........

TAURUS (Apr 20–May 20):

2004-06-22T11:39:00.000-04:00

It can be an unsettling day as you try to find ways to relax and enjoy yourself. But it may feel as if you are running out of time and there is something you want to do before you lose the chance. It's all in your mind; you have more time than you think. Then again, if you don't initiate action, all the time in the world won't be enough for you. Get the ball rolling, but remember that there's no reason to panic.

Michelle says:
How appropriate. Hummph.

Yeah, ok pal...tell me that next time I want ice cream.....

2004-06-22T11:37:00.000-04:00

There is pleasure when a sore is scratched,
But to be without sores is more pleasurable still.
Just so, there are pleasures in worldly desires,
But to be without desires is more pleasurable still.

-Nagarjuna, "Precious Garland"

Give me Sympathy or give me.....! Er...........Benadryl will do, actually.....

2004-06-22T11:35:00.000-04:00

I have to go to the dentist and I feel like crap. Poo.

2004-06-22T11:34:00.000-04:00

When you cannot make up your mind between two evenly balanced courses of action, choose the bolder.

- W.J. Slim

the mystery of Michelle's recent peeing problem solved

2004-06-21T20:31:00.000-04:00

Green Tea
Scientific Name: Camellia Sinensis

Green Tea Information
Green tea is one of many teas consumed around the world today, but the only one widely known for its health benefits. Green tea is made from unfermented leaves and is reputed to contain the highest concentration of polyphenols, chemicals that act as powerful antioxidants. Antioxidants are substances that scavenge free radicals -- damaging compounds in the body that alter cell membranes, tamper with DNA (genetic material), and even cause cell death. Antioxidants such as polyphenols in green tea can neutralize free radicals and may reduce or even help prevent some of the damage they cause. In traditional Chinese and Indian medicine, green tea has been used as a stimulant, diuretic (to promote the excretion of urine), astringent (to control bleeding and help heal wounds), and to improve heart health. Other traditional uses of green tea include treating flatulence, regulating body temperature and blood sugar, promoting digestion, and improving mental processes.

Michelle says:
Well, that explains a lot.

I realize that:

2004-06-21T19:25:00.000-04:00

-I am in no position to make any big decisions right now.

-That it is hard to tell what is "real", if there even is such a thing(define 'real'), because everything we perceive as humans is filtered through a complicated network of beliefs and past conditioning, and just because I am aware of this it does not make me exempt. It just makes me question more.

-That my emotions affect my physiology to an amazing degree

-That I have a tendency towards paranoia, not completely unfounded....yet it has become one of my 'filters.'

-That I am better off enjoying the thing in question instead of sullying the experience by anticipating the end before it's even really started.

-What it is I really what to study............perception.
I just read about some experiments done in the field and I found it fascinating.
I'll get more into that later.

-That I am about to embark on a once-in-a-lifetime adventure.

-That this may be the last time I see my grandmother.

-That this is a turning point in my life and I will come back a changed person.

-That I don't always have to do things the hard way. That I don't always have to prove something. That if I need to take Benadryl and hide under a blanket on the plane ride, that it's ok if it makes me comfortable.

-That this is not the time to overanalyze.

-That this mild depression is just the depression that comes from letting things go to make way for new things.

-That it's ok to still miss my Dad, and that the big empty hole in my chest is something I just have to accept for now.

and last but not least...........
-That bananas really are nature's antidepressant.

I feel a little better now.

Time for some tea. C'est la vie.

General Brain Purging

2004-06-21T11:32:00.000-04:00

I'm very confused lately, and I'm not sure if it's worth trying to figure things out or if I should just let it go and see if my head clears during the course of my trip. I have a feeling it will.
I also wonder if I really do have the answers but just don't want to accept them.
I realize that I'm filtering, it is human nature, after all....
I'm frustrated because I can't make myself feel things sometimes that I wish I could.
If something just isn't working in a way...........does it mean it isn't right, or does it mean that I'm just loading the present with things from my past? Does it matter?
I feel terrible in a way, I don't have the heart to say some things.
Do I expect too much? Is it so wrong to want to be completely blown away?
I worry that I will never find what I am looking for, whatever that is, I just have this vague feeling that I'll know it when I see it.
Am I going to pass up something good because I crave intensity?
What do you do when something seems good intelectually, the pieces fit, but still something is just missing........
I worry that if I let things go I will never find something as good (although I usually end up finding something better....just different)
I guess part of it is that I don't believe in "making" things work.....they either flow or they don't, they either feel right or they don't..I can't tell if I'm being neurotic or just not wanting to trust my intuition.....is it my intuition or my mind playing tricks on me?
I'm thinking too much. I feel like an asshole.
When it somes out, it never sounds right. I'm frustrated.
Is it so wrong to not want to "settle" for something that just isn't **quite** right?
I don't know.
I just worry that I'll make the wrong decision.
I need some time to think. I'll have that soon enough, I guess.
It's all too close to home right now.
Also-I realize that I have a personality quirk that prevents me from "giving in."
Does that make sense?
Sometimes it's beneficial, in other cases....it's probably not.
I can't tell if I am just being ornery and stubborn.
I'm not something to be "conquered." I'm not the prey, I'm usually the predator.
I need the thrill of the hunt. That's what keeps me going in life. Is that so wrong?
How can I reconcile that with not wanting to be alone my entire life?
Fuck, I'm going to eat some goddamn carrots and sulk. I'm upset with myself.

2004-06-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

We need to learn to set our course by the stars, not by the lights of every passing ship.

- General Omar Bradley

Where do I find this stuff?

2004-06-20T09:07:00.000-04:00

Fruity....

Scientists Demonstrate Teleportation with Atoms

2004-06-17T08:56:00.000-04:00

Scientists Demonstrate Teleportation with Atoms

Wed Jun 16, 2:47 PM ET

By Patricia Reaney

LONDON (Reuters) - It is not quite the "Beam me up Scotty" teleportation of Star
Trek, but teams of scientists said Wednesday they had made properties jump from one
atom to another without using any physical link.

Physicists in the United States and Austria for the first time have teleported
"quantum states" between separate atoms.

The breakthrough may not yet make it possible for people to disappear and reappear
somewhere else, like actors in a science fiction television show. But it could help
lead to "quantum computing" technology that would make superfast computers.

Quantum states include physical properties such as energy, motion and magnetic field.

"We've done it for the first time with massive particles, with atoms," Rainer Blatt,
of the University of Innsbruck in Austria, told Reuters in a telephone interview.

Two years ago scientists at the Australian National University announced they had
teleported a laser beam of light from one spot to another in a split second.

Blatt and his colleagues and another team of scientists at the National Institute of
Standards and Technology (NIST) in Boulder, Colorado, reported the first
teleportation of atoms in two reports in the science journal Nature.

The basic theory of quantum teleportation was outlined in 1993 by physicist Charles
Bennett and his colleagues.

Quantum computing requires manipulation of information contained in the quantum
states of the atoms.

"Using teleportation as we've reported could allow logic operations to be performed
much more quickly," physicist David Wineland, the leader of the NIST team, explained
in a statement.

The research involved quantum entanglement -- in which the quantum states of two or
more particles are linked without physical contact.

"There are quite a few implications ... more on the scientific side," Blatt said. "We
are far away from beamers, like beam me up Scotty," he added.

More drum masturbation material.

2004-06-16T19:53:00.000-04:00

DW perhaps?
Window shopping never hurt anyone.......

Michelle Needs New Drums

2004-06-16T19:06:00.000-04:00

Yes. I definitely need new drums. It's that time.
Unfortunately, I am still a starving college student.
I am considered the dreaded credit card route.
The new Chrome Tama Rockstars are real purty.
I should start a fund.
Any ideas?

2004-06-16T16:51:00.000-04:00

"Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself, for he shall never cease to be entertained."
John Powell

Dear michelle,

2004-06-16T16:50:00.000-04:00

Here is your horoscope
for Wednesday, June 16:

Okay, so you're not famous for enjoying anything that's not on your schedule. Fine. That doesn't mean you can't be flexible occasionally, and that some surprises can't be just wonderful.

Another Item on Michelle's Wish List

2004-06-16T16:46:00.000-04:00

Someone needs to buy me this..ha!

Rant.

2004-06-15T17:19:00.000-04:00

Integrity is not a 90 percent thing, not a 95 percent thing; either you have it or you don't.

- Peter Scotese

This is somewhat fitting, considering a situation I encountered yesterday.
I am on a mailing list called Hudson Valleyt Freecycle, where you post things to give away or things that you want for free. I got a nice TV and VCR and a few other things, so I felt I wanted to give something back and offered and expensive juicer I haven't been using in hopes that someone who could not afford one would be able to have it.

I gave it to the first lady who contacted me to be fair.

When she came to pick it up, I got weird vibes from her. She was a soccer-mom looking type, and I got sort of snotty vibes from her. I ignored it. A week later she e mailed me and asked me where the blade was and I told her. She wrote back later thanking me and saying that she figured it out.

I am on another list called Hudson Valley Tag Sale where people sell small-tag items.
I was appalled to see that this lady turned around and listed the juicer I GAVE her for 75 bucks.

I didn't give it away so she could make money off it. I gave it away to try and give back to the freecycle site. I was pissed and posted about it.

Anyway, they kicked her off the list but I am thoroughly disgusted with people.
It never would have occurred to me to do something like that.
\Shit, I could have sold it my damn self but again, felt that maybe someone who wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise could have it.
A lot of people had e mailed me asking for it, many of them in just that situation. I should have chosen someone else.

What a fucking bitch.

A Shout Out

2004-06-14T23:15:00.000-04:00

Marc B. Rules.
He's the best drum tech ever and he braved Walmart with me and helped me buy salsa and flea collars.

I'm still a little out of sorts but I had a lot of good (suprisingly) human interaction today.

I guess I just have to talk to the right people.

Cheerio.

Today.

2004-06-14T12:21:00.000-04:00

TAURUS (Apr 20–May 20): With the Moon back in your sign, you Bulls may be feeling somewhat moodier than usual, especially with your planet Venus hanging out in changeable Gemini these days. You might feel confused by all the thoughts and feelings that are coming up to the surface -- things you haven't previously considered. There is no need to make final decisions now. Keep your options open.

Michelle says:
Yes, I have been very moody. Yes, I am also confused. There is a lot going on in my head and it's difficult topinpoit exactly what's bothering me sometimes.
The last part is actually very relevant as well........
I need to keep my options open. I don't have to make big decisions now. I should just let things play out.

I have to go eat a salmon burger. More later.

Dear michelle,

2004-06-13T14:46:00.000-04:00

Here is your horoscope
for Sunday, June 13:

If ever there were an ideal day -- for you in particular -- this just might be it. That said, it's time for you to refuse calls, forget work and enjoy it.

................
Michelle says:
Ok, if you insist.

You know you're going to have an interesting day when..............

2004-06-13T12:53:00.000-04:00

...........Richard Feynman is mentioned in your horoscope.

TAURUS (Apr 20–May 20): Nobel prize-winning physicist Richard Feynman said, "What you think is none of my business." You may feel that others are attacking your beliefs or your values and you are tempted to take offensive action so you won't have to defend yourself. It's easy to get distracted by this, but you may not really be under attack. Try to be clear about what is important for you and understand that you may not be responsible for other people's actions.

2004-06-13T10:11:00.000-04:00

Good Morning Rock Star

Saturday Show Day

2004-06-12T16:50:00.000-04:00

I'm playing the Wreck Room in Walden tonight, where ever the hell that is.

I'm feeling vaguely out of sorts but functional. I think I'm having some sort of weird pseudo PMS again.

I got a little randy thinking about a male friend of mine fooling around with Johnny Depp.
I asked him who he would sleep with if he were gay. Bad idea. Now I'm going to need to jerk off before my roadie gets here.

Well, I'd better get on with it. I have about ten minutes. Ta ta.

2004-06-12T16:49:00.000-04:00

It has taken me all my life to understand it is not necessary to understand everything.

- Rene Coty

2004-06-11T17:09:00.000-04:00

....and a random puzzle that seemed appropriate.

Bad Joke

2004-06-11T17:07:00.000-04:00

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel in the
front of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, you have a
steering wheel in your pants!"

The pirates says, "Ay, matie, it's driving me nuts!"

T.S. Eliot - Four Quartets 2: East Coker

2004-06-11T11:57:00.000-04:00

I

In my beginning is my end. In succession
Houses rise and fall, crumble, are extended,
Are removed, destroyed, restored, or in their place
Is an open field, or a factory, or a by-pass.
Old stone to new building, old timber to new fires,
Old fires to ashes, and ashes to the earth
Which is already flesh, fur and faeces,
Bone of man and beast, cornstalk and leaf.
Houses live and die: there is a time for building
And a time for living and for generation
And a time for the wind to break the loosened pane
And to shake the wainscot where the field-mouse trots
And to shake the tattered arras woven with a silent motto.

In my beginning is my end. Now the light falls
Across the open field, leaving the deep lane
Shuttered with branches, dark in the afternoon,
Where you lean against a bank while a van passes,
And the deep lane insists on the direction
Into the village, in the electric heat
Hypnotised. In a warm haze the sultry light
Is absorbed, not refracted, by grey stone.
The dahlias sleep in the empty silence.
Wait for the early owl.

In that open field
If you do not come too close, if you do not come too close,
On a summer midnight, you can hear the music
Of the weak pipe and the little drum
And see them dancing around the bonfire
The association of man and woman
In daunsinge, signifying matrimonie—
A dignified and commodiois sacrament.
Two and two, necessarye coniunction,
Holding eche other by the hand or the arm
Whiche betokeneth concorde. Round and round the fire
Leaping through the flames, or joined in circles,
Rustically solemn or in rustic laughter
Lifting heavy feet in clumsy shoes,
Earth feet, loam feet, lifted in country mirth
Mirth of those long since under earth
Nourishing the corn. Keeping time,
Keeping the rhythm in their dancing
As in their living in the living seasons
The time of the seasons and the constellations
The time of milking and the time of harvest
The time of the coupling of man and woman
And that of beasts. Feet rising and falling.
Eating and drinking. Dung and death.

Dawn points, and another day
Prepares for heat and silence. Out at sea the dawn wind
Wrinkles and slides. I am here
Or there, or elsewhere. In my beginning.

II

What is the late November doing
With the disturbance of the spring
And creatures of the summer heat,
And snowdrops writhing under feet
And hollyhocks that aim too high
Red into grey and tumble down
Late roses filled with early snow?
Thunder rolled by the rolling stars
Simulates triumphal cars
Deployed in constellated wars
Scorpion fights against the Sun
Until the Sun and Moon go down
Comets weep and Leonids fly
Hunt the heavens and the plains
Whirled in a vortex that shall bring
The world to that destructive fire
Which burns before the ice-cap reigns.

That was a way of putting it—not very satisfactory:
A periphrastic study in a worn-out poetical fashion,
Leaving one still with the intolerable wrestle
With words and meanings. The poetry does not matter.
It was not (to start again) what one had expected.
What was to be the value of the long looked forward to,
Long hoped for calm, the autumnal serenity
And the wisdom of age? Had they deceived us
Or deceived themselves, the quiet-voiced elders,
Bequeathing us merely a receipt for deceit?
The serenity only a deliberate hebetude,
The wisdom only the knowledge of dead secrets
Useless in the darkness into which they peered
Or from which they turned their eyes. There is, it seems to us,
At best, only a limited value
In the knowledge derived from experience.
The knowledge imposes a pattern, and falsifies,
For the pattern is new in every moment
And every moment is a new and shocking
Valuation of all we have been. We are only undeceived
Of that which, deceiving, could no longer harm.
In the middle, not only in the middle of the way
But all the way, in a dark wood, in a bramble,
On the edge of a grimpen, where is no secure foothold,
And menaced by monsters, fancy lights,
Risking enchantment. Do not let me hear
Of the wisdom of old men, but rather of their folly,
Their fear of fear and frenzy, their fear of possession,
Of belonging to another, or to others, or to God.
The only wisdom we can hope to acquire
Is the wisdom of humility: humility is endless.

The houses are all gone under the sea.

The dancers are all gone under the hill.

III

O dark dark dark. They all go into the dark,
The vacant interstellar spaces, the vacant into the vacant,
The captains, merchant bankers, eminent men of letters,
The generous patrons of art, the statesmen and the rulers,
Distinguished civil servants, chairmen of many committees,
Industrial lords and petty contractors, all go into the dark,
And dark the Sun and Moon, and the Almanach de Gotha
And the Stock Exchange Gazette, the Directory of Directors,
And cold the sense and lost the motive of action.
And we all go with them, into the silent funeral,
Nobody's funeral, for there is no one to bury.
I said to my soul, be still, and let the dark come upon you
Which shall be the darkness of God. As, in a theatre,
The lights are extinguished, for the scene to be changed
With a hollow rumble of wings, with a movement of darkness on darkness,
And we know that the hills and the trees, the distant panorama
And the bold imposing façade are all being rolled away—
Or as, when an underground train, in the tube, stops too long between stations
And the conversation rises and slowly fades into silence
And you see behind every face the mental emptiness deepen
Leaving only the growing terror of nothing to think about;
Or when, under ether, the mind is conscious but conscious of nothing—
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
Whisper of running streams, and winter lightning.
The wild thyme unseen and the wild strawberry,
The laughter in the garden, echoed ecstasy
Not lost, but requiring, pointing to the agony
Of death and birth.

You say I am repeating
Something I have said before. I shall say it again.
Shall I say it again? In order to arrive there,
To arrive where you are, to get from where you are not,
You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy.
In order to arrive at what you do not know
You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
In order to possess what you do not possess
You must go by the way of dispossession.
In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
And what you do not know is the only thing you know
And what you own is what you do not own
And where you are is where you are not.

IV

The wounded surgeon plies the steel
That questions the distempered part;
Beneath the bleeding hands we feel
The sharp compassion of the healer's art
Resolving the enigma of the fever chart.

Our only health is the disease
If we obey the dying nurse
Whose constant care is not to please
But to remind of our, and Adam's curse,
And that, to be restored, our sickness must grow worse.

The whole earth is our hospital
Endowed by the ruined millionaire,
Wherein, if we do well, we shall
Die of the absolute paternal care
That will not leave us, but prevents us everywhere.

The chill ascends from feet to knees,
The fever sings in mental wires.
If to be warmed, then I must freeze
And quake in frigid purgatorial fires
Of which the flame is roses, and the smoke is briars.

The dripping blood our only drink,
The bloody flesh our only food:
In spite of which we like to think
That we are sound, substantial flesh and blood—
Again, in spite of that, we call this Friday good.

V

So here I am, in the middle way, having had twenty years—
Twenty years largely wasted, the years of l'entre deux guerres
Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate—but there is no competition—
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.

Home is where one starts from. As we grow older
The world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
Of dead and living. Not the intense moment
Isolated, with no before and after,
But a lifetime burning in every moment
And not the lifetime of one man only
But of old stones that cannot be deciphered.
There is a time for the evening under starlight,
A time for the evening under lamplight
(The evening with the photograph album).
Love is most nearly itself
When here and now cease to matter.
Old men ought to be explorers
Here or there does not matter
We must be still and still moving
Into another intensity
For a further union, a deeper communion
Through the dark cold and the empty desolation,
The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters
Of the petrel and the porpoise. In my end is my beginning.

Looney Bin Humor

2004-06-10T20:35:00.000-04:00

a guy is walking past a mental hospital surrounded by a high wall and
hears the patients chanting, "thirteen! thirteen! thirteen!"

curious as to what's going on, he peeks in through a small hole in the
wall, whereupon someone pokes him hard in the eye.

reeling back with his hand to his face, he hears the patients chanting,
"fourteen! fourteen! fourteen!"

Why the chicken crossed the road

2004-06-10T19:36:00.000-04:00

Michelle says: I pulled this off one of the Mensa lists.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The
chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground
here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against
it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach
the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To take the job illegally provided by some corporate American
desiring cheap labor.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that
somebody out there is already forming a support group to help
chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How
much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the
road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm
talking about your money, money the government took from you to
build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had
a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the
price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people
see theplain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the 'otherside'. That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my
friends, thatchicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I saywe Boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberalmedia whitewashes with seemingly
harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, the
chicken crossed the road,but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to
the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how
it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish
its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
roadreveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook, - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition
of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU
SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and
there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

Good Morning.

2004-06-10T09:38:00.000-04:00

I drank a diet soda like a damn retard last night and was up pacing in circles in the park at 2 am.
Thankfully, it was relatively short lived and not an all nighter. I feel hung over today.
Well, I guess once in a while I have to remind myself why I don't drink that stuff.
That Atkin's crap didn't agree with me either. I'll stick to Cherrry Seltzer.
They're on sale four for a dollar at Shop Rite this week anyhow.

Sappy Quote of the Day:

Mama exhorted her children at every opportunity to 'jump
at de sun.' We might not land on the sun, but at least we
would get off the ground.

-- Zora Neale Hurston

Sticky, Sweaty Day.

2004-06-09T22:46:00.000-04:00

Hot, hot, hot.
I don't like the hot weather. It feels oppressive. I prefer the crispness of Autumn, when you can put on a sweatshirt and be comfortable.
It's supposed to cool off a bit tomorrow, thankfully.

I had some acupuncture again today. This time, I sort of went under while I was lying with the needles in me and saw all kinds of weird images and had all kinds of interesting sensations. It was very relaxing. I wish I could remember what I saw.

I'm still extremely happy about graduate school. I'm all signed, sealed and delivered as of yesterday.

I'm starting to plan for my trip to Vegas.

I saw "The Day After Tomorrow" last night. I liked it. It was very Darwinian.

We did not get the cops called on us at practice yesterday.

I saw "Harry Potter" Sunday and was a bit disappointed because they left a lot out that was in the book.

I'm reading the new Dean Koontz book. I just finished a Piers Anthony Xanth novel that I got for a dollar the other week.

I ate a lot of only 8 frozen yogurt and coconut before.

I made Atkins apple juice and it's not too bad.

I'm looking for funding on suggestion from my mentor at school and for employment on siuggestion from my bank account.
I'm still tutoring but only for another week or so.

That's about it on my end.

I slept late today (well, later than usual-after 10-I'm not sure why)
I slept hardcore and had strange and interesting dreams.

I'll try to update this thing more often.
I've been in a good mood and haven't had much to bitch about, and have also been surprisingly busy considering I am now off for the summer.

2004-06-08T12:25:00.000-04:00

"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."
Josh Billings

2004-06-08T11:21:00.000-04:00

another time waster

TAURUS (Apr 20–May 20):

2004-06-08T10:33:00.000-04:00

Normally you like things slow and easy, but today you might find yourself moving quickly with the external currents. You'll feel the need for caution because things are quite fast-paced, but once you jump in, it may be so exhilarating that it's more difficult for you to stop than it was for you to start. You are conscious of your feelings and the role that they play in your day. You are also aware that you might have to hold some of your needs at bay, even if you are driven toward filling your senses.

Michelle says:
Starting and stopping..........yes,those are big problems for me. Once I let my demons out, it's hard to stuff them back down. I can easily overindulge in just about anything. I get stuck in gear and turn into this bottomless pit. I don't like it very much, I hate feeling out of control.

I'm sort of confused about things lately, but not really in a bad way. I'm still generally a happy person. I just can't think too hard these days or I get crunchy.
Sometimes I'm not sure exactly wht's bothering me.

My Dad's birthday would have been yesterday. I'm ok about that. I missed him mostly when I was graduating.

I feel like interesting things are goig to happen soon.
How could they not, I'm going to Vegas, baby!

2004-06-06T10:07:00.000-04:00

Fun With Squid

Dear michelle,

2004-06-05T18:17:00.000-04:00

Here is your horoscope
for Thursday, June 3:

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the house -- or, translated, that this recent run of intensity was over -- the universe has decided otherwise. Pretend to be upset about it.

Michelle says:
Ain't that the truth.
Thursday was quite overstimulating.
I'm like one of those kids who gets over-excited and then crashes when it turns into crankiness and frustration.
The day was intense but I was left feeling mentally constipated.
Then this bitchy ass neighbor called the cops on us for jamming too loud.
Mind you, we've been jamming here since December.
Some people have nothing better to do than complain.........projection of misery, such a lovely human trait.
So I ended up with the equivalent of musical blue balls. I really needed the outlet.
Anyway, I got rid of it in an alternative manner. I'm not ready to reveal that little soap opera yet. A girl has to retain some mystery.
So anyway, I'm going to grad school, it's all settled.
I feel a lot better knowing what the heck I'm doing in the fall. It all fit so neatly into my life, it's perfect.
Now I can enjoy my vacation and slack off for a while while I look for additional income sources besides the bit of tutoring I'm still doing.
I had another shock Thursday though, on a related note.
I opened up a piece of mail from Marist to find a check for an ungodly amount of money, the remainder of my student loan.
While it's not really ::my:: money it gives me some breathing room and a cushion until I find a steadier job.
Funny how things turn up at the most opportune moments.
The universe really is an extremely weird place.
I'm off to a tattoo show.
Ta ta.